Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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