there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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