You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
