I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
