So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
