so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
