Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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