you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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