Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
