Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
