So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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