Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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