i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
