so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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