I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
