Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
