dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.