awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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