got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
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i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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