best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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