If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
