I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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