1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
