and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pour the whiskey from now on
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
