Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
