he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
