shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
