OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
