i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
