Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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