believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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