Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
