Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
