Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
