Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
