I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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