He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
