true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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