even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
