get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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