Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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