Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
