If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
