In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
