dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
