The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
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The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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