I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
