You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
