Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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