oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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