oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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