Swine flu. Run for my life!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
