dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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