one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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