tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
