I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
