the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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