The maid of honor just puked.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
